Hey, what's up?

I guess I do have tendency to think about writing here especially on Sunday nights. Must be the whole trying to prove to no one about the need to be productive always. Weird, right?

What date is today? Oof, 15th March already...I don't know man, with this pandemic still going around strong after a year, time seems to be just an illusion created by ancient people to me. Happy White Day, I guess? 

It's the third week of the third month of 2021. Ah, repeating numbers. My guardian angels watching over me huh? Its only March but I already feel my world swirling around with so many news coming in and it's crazy. Between all the bullying allegations, Yunho scandal (?!!) and me still being stuck working from home for a full one year, truly feel like I'm losing my marbles.

I thought that I have stopped actually crying bout my KPop idols in my late twenties (I know....), but I guess not. When Yunho's news broke, I broke into cold sweats and I shivered with every anxious flicks of my fingers refreshing the blue app for the latest, latest and most latest news. I thought that I've stopped being that emotionally invested and believe all my KPop boys are now grown-up and I have went through so many shits with them so nothing would surprise me, but, nope, universe said take this! Take this reality of how whipped you're for a stranger 4366 kilometres away!

Naturally, my pessimist self got scared and until now I am still scared of the repercussions for him and I actually absolutely do not know what to expect. I literally try to stop thinking because thinking of the worst scenarios made me feel sick. Not to mention, this week alone I have migraine attacks for few consecutive days and each time I "cured" it by vomiting my insides out to feel better. I don't know universe, was this some kind of metaphoric lessons from you? I need to let out whatever inside me to feel better? Is that it? Lol.

The most hilarious (?) thoughts that I had after the news broke out was bro, maybe I should just need to get married to someone. Maybe when I get married, my brain would finally be too busy for those KPop boys. Looking at social media sites and just scrolling through pictures and memories of your mutuals getting engaged, getting married, having babies, having anniversaries feels surreal sometimes. They really be hitting different when you're older huh? To be very honest, I feel marriage actually scares me. Just by looking at my parents, it scares me. So, I do not mind not getting married, really. It's just the whole fairytale of finding someone to love you and accept who you are just seems very far away from me. My parents didn't, so how can I? 

The other day, my cousin who just finished her part-time MBA studies talked to me about some government scholarship. She said hey why don't you give it a try? And I just laughed about how ridiculous the idea it was but I daydreamed about it that night. I dreamt of studying in my favourite country (of course), being back as a university student and experiencing new things all over again. And then, I stopped. Who's gonna pay for myself when I'm studying there? What about my career? Because I will need to quit my current job obviously. After I finished, will I get a job as good as I have now with my skills? How do I explain that gap in between and how is that gap is relevant in my line of work as a corporate slave? Who will take care of my parents? Who's gonna pay the groceries? Who's gonna pay the internet provider bills? Who's gonna do the laundry for mom? 

A thousand questions runs in my head, even when I have not yet take a step forward. Pathetic, isn't it? I have now become a coward, with thousand of commitments weighing on my shoulder. I guess the same question applies if I ever wanna get married. Because I am the first child and I'm the daughter of this family. It's kinda sad but it's just ingrained in my brain now. 

I'm not gonna lie, I do look through the sites and search for the requirements. It sounds pathetic but, I even try clicking the 'Apply' button. As usual, dreaming is free. Even Mat Jenin did it, so why can't I? Why can't I dream 10 years from now I will have a man who loves me for I am although I have rarely stepped out from the house now? Why can't I dream of the day my trauma finally washes away from my filthy body and leaving only the good me intact? I can dream and dream, until that day comes.

I think by 26 now I have realised I will always have this sadness inside. Even typing this makes me teary, but I am embracing my constant sadness now. I might go get real check up one day, but I can't keep being mean and denying myself of the validation that I needed. Maybe I'm not just dramatic, maybe there's just something broken inside. When IU said I got it, I'm truly fine in 25, maybe this is what she meant. I have my happy days too, but my sad days are always a reminder of even how crippling inside, I still just wake up and go through it, cus that's the kind of person I am. Don't get me wrong, I do hope I get better one day, but for now, accepting and feeling this is enough for now. I'd rather feel this than feel that jumping off from a high building is my way to go from here.

On a lighter note, I have some obsession with moons and skies now. I have also starts watching Brooklyn 99 and it's really fun but just not dark enough as The Office, lmao. And oh, I do think Henry has a stan twitter account or if not, at least he must monitor his Twitter keyword searches. Because I tweeted about wanting Henry to do a Tiktok with Queens - Another One Bite The Dust song like other handsome Tiktok boys, and he came through and did it today, lol. 

Yours and yours,

Tasha