Hey, how's it going?

It's almost at the end of June, aka it has been 6 months since 2021 starts. And soon it's gonna be a new year with a much more older me all over again. God, when will this stops?

Of course, it's Sunday night and yet again, I feel obligated to write tonight. But hey, maybe that's good ya know, cus they said research shows building a habit takes 3 months. So, yeay to my new (?) habit.

I also have good news I guess, right on the 3 years mark of my corporate slavery, I have been promoted to a new grade. Amazing huh? To reach up to this point, it just feels surreal. You're a legit adult now, Tasha! I screamed internally. Maybe I will feel good when I really feel it inside, but now, all I feel is confusion and denial as my body system always seem to be programmed to do.

Like when that bastard told me to wait in his bedroom and my heart starts beating out so fast out of my chest and instinctively I locked myself in the bathroom. God, I can't even write about it without crying. Oof yes, truly a sign of a traumatised child. In fact, I don't think I actually ever write about it. Because I know writing about it makes it real and it's not just in my head. It's real, it's there, it happened and I never told anyone and he gets off scot-free. Last I heard of him, he's married with actual wife and kids. Wow, right. God really has some humor huh? 

Anyway, back to present time. Sorry to offload that, phew. That's a lot of trauma to process tonight. Back to my job promotion. As usual, my first instinct was that did they made a mistake? It can't be right, which in return involves some confusion on my end that cause a dear friend of mine to realise that she didn't get the promotion. Well, that sucks right there. I know she will know eventually but I hate that she gets to know in that way. I feel guilty although I know it's not on my hands. I don't have the mood to celebrate because the world is still a shitty place to live for me.

Between living in an ever evolving pandemic, a cruel country that just doesn't seem to know how to manage itself and the rising anger and depression of the citizens, I just can't seem to shake of the hopelessness and despair more than ever. Reading and watching news of people jumping off the building and losing everything they had while I'm right here living well and getting promoted but still feeling depressed, do you know how shitty that feels? Like I am such an ungrateful twat, when at that night I read the promotion email from HR, I cried on the prayer mat to God for always giving me more than I ever worth of. What's wrong with me, God? Why did you give me this when you can just give it to someone who will appreciate it more? I will always be unhappy, God. I'm just a living, walking shell of sadness. I don't deserve this.

And I am scared now, when I got bumped up like this, what exactly is the people's expectations towards me? I'm just an impostor in the corporate world, I don't know what to do in most of the shit I faced everyday. I'm becoming more and more introverted, recluse and close-off. I haven't had human interaction for weeks and months and it's really doing something to my brain. I can't let my brain alone for too long or shit like this happens, don't you see?

Maybe it's the menses, let's just blame it on the blood for tonight.