Its the 18th day of January, and I already feel I'm at the edge of the cliff.

And the cliff is, in my mind. 

People say it's normal to feel this. We're in a middle of a global pandemic for god sake, they said. I agree, but rather half-heartedly. Even without the global pandemic fucking up my life, my own self is also greatly contributing to that fuckup, so there's that I guess.

This year, the calendar said I'm twenty-six years old. I don't know, it still haven't hit me just yet, probably cus it's still January, but also maybe because I don't really meet people nowadays. It's the second round of lockdown for the country with much, much worse number of cases yet people said to not lose hope. How could I do that? Me? A pessimist at heart?

I try to not feel so sad these days. Cus I have a home they said. Cus I live with my parents they said. Cus I have a stable job they said. Cus I'm young they said. Others have it hard now, go help them. So, I try to help people more. I hate people but to see people who earnestly tries to work hard and live hard everyday struggling now, my heart softens at the very thought. I'm lazy and a coward, so I help by donating, by buying things for people I love as a surprise, by helping around the house, by posting comforting words online, by being the best version of myself eventhough I was sad. I tried. I really tried. Haven't I tried enough, God?

When you have a big hole in your heart, you don't expect to heal. You just want the heart to disappear altogether instead. That's what it feels to me at least. I want to seek help. I was considering getting a mental assessment, I was thinking of getting a driver license, this time for real and I was also considering to get a new pair of spectacles, go to dentist, drill the shelves in my room, buy a new laptop and also complete my room decor and god damn, I really, I really am trying. 

But God, I know you know the hole is getting more and more rotten. It eats me away especially on my worst days, I'm not really here nor there. I lean on people on the wrong side, for a piece of temporary happiness. Why do you create me God, I try to figure it almost every single day.

I believe in you God, I know you exist of course. You see me fall and rise and you always, always help as the Graceful that you are. I understand that God, but why can't you just take me away? Why don't you take me away before I become much more worse? I don't want to turn to a monster, but I already feel I am one, God. I feel fake, unworthy in people's eyes and also you. I try to be religious but I am also very negligent. I know that, and I know you make me wake up everyday to give me a chance to change it, but I don't know God, I just don't know.

Will I ever be worthy of love, God? Yesterday, a stranger who said he wanna date me and do lewd things with me randomly told me that I should go on a diet. He said he's saying it's for my own health. Really? Would I be desirable then? It's crazy how I know what load of bullshit that is, but I still gets affected by it. I hate it so much. I hate myself so much. Why can't I just be comfortable in my own skin? Why can't they just love me for who I am? For my crazy, passionate side? For my happy side? For my gloomy side? Don't I deserve that at least, God? 

I know, I ask so much from you God. I'm so sorry, I'm so, sorry that I'm like this.