Heyyyyyy.

Maybe we should really make some rules here? Maybe one blog post per month at least? Lol The reason I write here today is just purely because I do not want to feel useless and guilty for doing nothing on a Sunday. So, I write here as if justifying to my unconscious self that hey look, at least I'm writing about things in my head here. So, leave me alone dark thoughts!

This morning (or yesterday??), I dreamt of losing two teeth and I'm writing it here because I remember it was clearly 2 pieces of tooth coming out of my mouth. I googled it up and apparently it symbolises losing something or someone. And somehow it makes me feel very iffy but I try to not think about it very much. But the fact that I'm actually writing about it here, so it means I do think about it very much. The thing is, I don't even remember if I really dreamt it or I just saw it somewhere else...It's just weird, this whole reality, what really is it?

It's nearly the end of the year and a new one will come soon. I haven't completely processed this year yet, but a new year with a much more older me is already waiting in a few more weeks. This year for me feels like a very big, significant transition period. Well, of course the pandemic and the new normal. That surely is significant with the way it makes my natural homebody self even hates being home now. 

Other than that, I moved to a better house with the family and we still haven't finished unpacking till now lol. Hm what more, oh yeah, I am now working with different people in a different team with different environment and although work may be stressful sometimes, but god, how glad I am with the move. I can finally breathe better and although the workload is heavier, at least I don't feel like I want to cry every hour right? I don't need to feel defensive and attacks everyone in a Teams conference call and my team lead is a literal sweetheart who told me if I'm stressed, I should let her know because she's worried about me. Life really brings you around huh?

Henry finally released an album this year too, and that is already enough to make me live this year. It's a beautiful album and although it's only a mini album, you can just see how hard my boy works to do things that makes him alive - doing music, singing and performing for people. I'm honestly very proud of him and there's nothing more I wish for the person who makes me survive this wretched world other than pure peace and happiness and I think Henry is much, much closer to that now. I too, want to be a person who lives hard like him and I'm working on it too.

But don't get me wrong, I do still have constant suicidal thoughts, especially on days I need to wake up for work (5 days out of 7?? lol) but at least I feel I can make it through ya know? I recently mustered up my courage too and reconciled with her again. And I'm so happy that we're actually talking again now after a year of disconnecting ourselves from each other. I still feel conscious while talking with her but at least we're talking now. She said I'm very brave to reach out to her, and I don't say this to her. But I feel proud and relieved to hear that. It's strange but to imagine myself as a brave person, but it joys me because it makes me feel I can do anything that I want if only I have a bit more braveness. Therefore, I'm learning to be more brave in life and all the crashing waves that it brings.

Until the day it comes, I must live.

I must.