How are you? Are you well? I hope you sleeps well at night. I hope you smells nice things, eat nice food and have happy thoughts often. 

I think I'm ready to meet you. I can write you nice poems at 2AM, I can send stupid memes and tiktoks that reminds me of you the whole day, I can buy nice clothes that I think fits you, I can learn to make your favourite coffee, I can play that song with that spesific lyrics just for you repeatedly and I can try to embrace you so hard to make your pain go away. 

I can also bleed easily, so easily for you. I can worship you as if you're God's only masterpiece, oh, that's the least I can do for you. So, I am afraid. I am afraid of meeting you and also not being able to leave you. Even the idea of you itself makes my loneliness clings to you so easily, I can't imagine how it would be if you really exists. I think you will lose a lot by meeting me while I will gain a whole, new universe. Unfair, isn't it? The moment I let you in my head, will I feel better then?

I am envious of people who have find their 'you'. The happiness that reeks from their whole being makes my stomach sick. The love word that they uttered so easily, melts into my screen reminding me of my reality. But maybe it's just because I'm sick in the head. I'm lonely and sick and never felt enough for anyone. Maybe it's the pandemic, maybe it's the mental issues, maybe it's just me talking. 

People say there's always lights at the end of the tunnel, but I don't know baby, maybe there is just no tunnel at all. Maybe I'm just stuck in a blackhole, destined to spiral into nothingness without finding you. 

Maybe I'm writing this to find you?

I don't know, maybe I just need some sleep. 

To at least dream of you. 

I wish you sleeps well tonight, I love you.