Even without any lines, you & I We’re the stars of a beautiful movie, you & I
2:22 AM
The duality of the heart.
I always start my sentence with I'm not sure, and I'm not sure why I do that. Aye, see what I did there lol I feel like writing on here today so might as well seize the moment before I change my mind and not publish this although its 2AM now. What is 2AM other than - as quoted from that character from HIMYM (is it the correct American series? lol) "the time of the day to not trust any of the words you say". I never got around to watching the series, mainly because it's not my favourable genre to watch, but I think differently. Your raw, unfiltered words at 2AM might even be who you really are. Maybe you have lived the whole day as this person you want to be but at 2AM, that person goes to sleep after a long day and the real you are right here, writing this and reading this.
Strange right, a mind of a writer?
Tonight (or today? lol), I would like to write about the duality of our heart. I'm no expert of both the heart nor adulting, but maybe one day when I read this all back, I will understand then what I was feeling on this particular day when no one was there for you to lean on.
I love to write kind, soft words on my social media. Because when I write those kind, encouraging words, I hope the warmth the words carries can also be felt by the readers. Because when I read those words myself from somewhere else, I felt wonderful. So I hope by writing those words, others would also feel the same.
I often write these words, sometimes with specific receiver and sometimes just generally. But today, I teared up while writing those words. And I wonder why. Do I really mean those words? Yes, I do, I really do. But what do I expect when I say those words? That is what I'm not sure of....
People says words are like boomerang, it will eventually comes back to you, so watch your mouth. Was I expecting to be greeted with the same kind words as when I posted? Did I teared up because I want someone to say those words to me and I accepted it? If that is the case, why is then when people do throw back those kind words to me, I would never believe them? Isn't that just weird? Maybe, maybe I could accuse people who just know me in passing to be saying those kind words as empty words to sweeten the conversation. But what about those people close to me, who knows me? What about when these people genuinely compliments me and care about me, why at those moments, I instinctively distance myself from those words. Why exactly? Why do I always feel I don't deserve those words, that these people are just being too nice and don't really mean it? Am I really a child who deserve to be loved? I yearn affection, yet I distance myself from it.
My birthday is coming soon, and thankfully, I will probably receive many kind, grateful words from others. I feel blessed, but I'm also afraid because I know I won't be able to accept and digest those kind words in my core again. Have I turn too rotten and cynical for the world, I wonder? Are they really telling the truth? Or my subconscious heart knows better?
I always start my sentence with I'm not sure, and I'm not sure why I do that. Aye, see what I did there lol I feel like writing on here today so might as well seize the moment before I change my mind and not publish this although its 2AM now. What is 2AM other than - as quoted from that character from HIMYM (is it the correct American series? lol) "the time of the day to not trust any of the words you say". I never got around to watching the series, mainly because it's not my favourable genre to watch, but I think differently. Your raw, unfiltered words at 2AM might even be who you really are. Maybe you have lived the whole day as this person you want to be but at 2AM, that person goes to sleep after a long day and the real you are right here, writing this and reading this.
Strange right, a mind of a writer?
Tonight (or today? lol), I would like to write about the duality of our heart. I'm no expert of both the heart nor adulting, but maybe one day when I read this all back, I will understand then what I was feeling on this particular day when no one was there for you to lean on.
I love to write kind, soft words on my social media. Because when I write those kind, encouraging words, I hope the warmth the words carries can also be felt by the readers. Because when I read those words myself from somewhere else, I felt wonderful. So I hope by writing those words, others would also feel the same.
"I hope you sleeps well tonight. You did well, I'm so proud of you. I hope you can pat yourself in the back softly for going through today. I hope the warmth of the night embraces you comfortably with a dreamless night. I love you, take care."
I often write these words, sometimes with specific receiver and sometimes just generally. But today, I teared up while writing those words. And I wonder why. Do I really mean those words? Yes, I do, I really do. But what do I expect when I say those words? That is what I'm not sure of....
People says words are like boomerang, it will eventually comes back to you, so watch your mouth. Was I expecting to be greeted with the same kind words as when I posted? Did I teared up because I want someone to say those words to me and I accepted it? If that is the case, why is then when people do throw back those kind words to me, I would never believe them? Isn't that just weird? Maybe, maybe I could accuse people who just know me in passing to be saying those kind words as empty words to sweeten the conversation. But what about those people close to me, who knows me? What about when these people genuinely compliments me and care about me, why at those moments, I instinctively distance myself from those words. Why exactly? Why do I always feel I don't deserve those words, that these people are just being too nice and don't really mean it? Am I really a child who deserve to be loved? I yearn affection, yet I distance myself from it.
My birthday is coming soon, and thankfully, I will probably receive many kind, grateful words from others. I feel blessed, but I'm also afraid because I know I won't be able to accept and digest those kind words in my core again. Have I turn too rotten and cynical for the world, I wonder? Are they really telling the truth? Or my subconscious heart knows better?
Today too, I wonder of the duality of the heart.
Love,
Tasha
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