I have a fear. Well, I have multiple fears.

But one of it is new.

The fear of my job eating me out. Well, obviously not in a sexual way lmao. But rather, in a metaphorical way of how I try to be my best but never feel I am. I have always hear advice from older people heeding me that you can't get TOO close to your colleagues or anyone in office, because eventually you don't really know them and they may have ulterior motives behind those smiles. Well, that's true right? Considering working environment is a place where we got to know people when we are already much older and matured, mingling amongst us with our own set of beliefs and morale. Maybe some shit will occurs, maybe not, who knows. So, I nodded along and always have this advice in the back of my head whenever I get to know people in office. Until now.

Don't get me wrong, my colleagues are great. Thankfully, they are not bullies or snobbish bitches or whatever. They are just human, normal people like you and me. And sometimes, they can be too kind, as if they're my real friends. See? That's my problem. I can't seem to think of them as my real friends. I don't know if they do think of me as best friends or whatever, but I just do not know how to categorize this relationship. I can't seem to decide whether this is genuine or not. Like we're super close and sometimes I found myself telling them things I won't tell people, but other times I just do not have the energy to deal with them and rather be an invisible wallflower who works in office from 8AM to 5PM daily. 

They bring me envy but they also understands me. Sometimes, I got so green with envy at my colleagues for having so much "important job" that they keep complaining they need to go here and there, when I am sitting right in front of them, acting nonchalant like none of that affects me at all when my team always think I am only an extra topping in their team. Then, I realised that I am really still a child a heart with such childish nature that it frustrates me. 

These human dynamic nature appalled me yet baffled me. What the hell am I supposed to do and feel in this situation?

But, to think of it again who really do know me then? I don't tell shit to anyone. I don't tell shit to my own best friends. I don't tell shit to my parents. I just don't. Then I wonder why I feel so lonely and misunderstood. What a fucking joke right?

I always think of myself as the "almost-be" child. Almost successful, almost funny, almost friendly, almost happy. Almost, almost, almost. The power this one syllable has changes everything all over. "She is excellent," sounds nice isn't it? But how about "She is almost becoming excellent."? Some people may find it pathetic, others may show empathy. 

A few months ago. I met a high school friend of mine who I haven't met in ten years, but the moment I met her I just opened up to her about some of my struggles. I don't know if she having a psychology degree contributes to that, but I told her. I told her of my fear of pretending to be nice and happy. And she said something that still lingers at the back of my mind till this day and still makes me think. 

She said it's amusing that I know and aware of all these issues I'm having in myself. Because she said, some people are not aware of these things and that's why they need people like her to unravel and discover these issues one by one so they can cope and be in peace. But for me, who is generally aware and understand my own issues, for people like me, honestly where do we fit in?

I don't know, I don't know.

Today too, my mind runs wild.