Repressing feelings.

When I was in high school, I want to finish my study faster.
When I was doing my foundation studies, I want to be an undergraduate faster.
When I graduated from university, now I want to find a job faster.

But what would happen after I find a job? Would I want to retire faster after that? And after I retire, would I want to die faster then?

Strange. The human mind is.

Post-graduation, I used to have a lot in my mind. I want to do this. I want to do that. It's two months after graduation and I have achieved nothing. I know, I know. I have read it many times. Each people have different goals and different milestones and one's success should not deter yourself but rather motivates you. But my heart, my childish and immature heart, loathe all of it. What should I do then?

Thanks to my Scorpio and blood A type personality, my life consists of series of self-isolation and fear of stepping from my comfort zone aka my room. It's not like I believe all the zodiacs and blood type personalities, but doesn't it seem strange that many of my traits collide with those? As I said before, human mind is truly a mystery.

At days, I find even getting out of my room is hard. Even taking a decent bath is hard. I loathe bright days, and indulge in the darkness of nights. Just like my heart, just like myself. Just like me.

If people ask me what colour I would like to resemble, I would choose vantablack. The blackest of black. The black hole. The opaqueness of darkness. It absorbs all the light, never giving a chance for any to shine. It is selfish yet beautiful. No matter how malevolent vantablack is, there are still admirers of it. I would like to hide there, in that space.

Living life, I always heard the sayings that said your external appearance doesn't matter, what matter is inside. But what do I do? When I am ugly inside and out? Others may be comforted of that simple saying, but how about me? What do you do when you can't even take pride on what inside of your soul?

Nowadays, I like activity that doesn't involve thinking. Because I hate thinking. I hate thinking too deep and getting it over my head making my fears and insecurities dancing in front of my eyes. I like lazy and minimal activities like watching Knowing Brothers or listening to Wing Wing by Hyukoh repeatedly or simply just sleeping how many hours I like. Or maybe Instagram by Dean because I resonates to it so much.

I know. I know that I keep doing this in order to run away. To run away from my feelings, from the need to make choices, from making effort to achieve those choices, from the rejection after making those said choices and efforts. Because it will hurt me. But what do I do? Even when my conscious brain knows what my inner conscience feels, I ignore it and pretend to not care.

Honestly, this entry is really going nowhere. But I feel glad. That I write all this out, as if I'm laying my tattered heart on the ground. As you know, I find it hard to tell other my feelings. When people ask, I can share and I can tell what I'm feeling. But only the outer layer. The more layer I peel my heart out, the more vulnerable I become in that person's eyes. And that scares me a lot.