Jonghyun-ah,

The moment I read the news I can't believe any of it. I hoped it was an April Fools prank even when its clearly December now. All day I prayed for a sudden miracle, but the truth is harsh as always. You left the world due to the monster called depression that has trapped you and so many of us in our own mind.

You who I have known since 13 years old, you who I have watched growing into adulthood as me. How could this be real?

When I first saw the lyrics to Breathe by Lee Hi and I got to know you wrote it, I held back my tears and gulped it all down. I instantly felt it. Ah, this person understands how I feel. This person knows how hard is it for me. This person are not making fun of my sadness. So, I pay more attention to your releases and the more I fall in love with you, your music and your lyrics. A Gloomy Clock, End of A Day and Maybe Tomorrow are your songs that I carefully add into my "Listen When Depressed" playlist in Spotify.

You are open about your feelings and opinion, but, you never belittle others. I remember admiring you when you speak up for marginalised groups without being afraid of your image as an idol, I remember the kind replies you give to fans who were mad at your carelessness. You wrapped your words so prettily that I wonder where do you learn it. Just like your lyrics, you really are a wonderful  human being.

During my internship, when I find myself to be so incapable to step and work in a corporate world, When I feel like a lost child amongst all the adults in my team, I listen to your songs. I listen to your lyrics. Even during the occasional lowest point of my life that I constantly felt this few years, I comforted myself with your voice telling me it's okay for me to not be okay. But then, why you didn't know it yourself, Jonghyun-ah?

I am so sorry, so, so sorry. That I am only able to receive comfort from you but unable to comfort your back. How lonely must your last moment be? Even till the end, you were alone. You left the world too cruelly, Jonghyun-ah. You are only a few years older than me, I should be able to see your wedding news just like Youngbae not your death news. Y0u have give so much yet receive nothing back. 

More than ever today, I want to shout your name countless of times. Loudly, clearly.

Kim Jonghyun, our dear Kim Jonghyun.

You have done so well in this life. You did well.

Please rest now.