Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

I fear.

I fear too much.

That is the problem.


Fear is good. Fear makes you behave. Fear restraints you. Fear controls you. Fear limits you. Fear disciples you. Fear teaches you. Fear makes you quiet. Fear is bad. Fear hides in your mind. Fear lurks with your subconscious. Fear fills up the head. Fear brings you closer. Fear brings you farther. Fear destroys you.

Fear destroys you.
Fear destroys you.
Fear destroys you.
Fear destroys you.

When I fear, I shut off my system. Completely. Malfunctioned, I am. Like how iPod need recharging, I stopped. Whatever I was doing and planning to do.  I curled up into a ball of mess. A writhing mess. And I stay. I stay in my own ball of mess for nights and days and nights again. I do nothing. I do not think. I do not move. I do not imagine. I become hollow. Like a hole, a big black hole.

I have become to loathe daytime. That is when humans are alive, lively and talk. Human talks, that is the problem. And each words slashes my heart like Fruit Ninja. Chopped up and shattered. Spread under the sunlight, my heart is. Oh heart, why are you so fragile?

The worst thing I realise is that their words still hurts me. They still affect me in every way. In conclusion, it means I still care about them. I still care. I still care. I still care. I laughed, but then I cried. For the words inflict too many emotional pain mercilessly. It never leaves. Stays at the back of my mind, waiting to lash out on me again.

I am in this brink of depression again. In and out, from the hole. I am alive and yet I am not. I smile yet I frown. I am happy yet sad. I am confident yet scared. Continuously, constantly. It engulfs me. What could I do? What should I do?

Up and down. Left and right. Diagonal and vertical. Here and there. Out and in. My emotions are.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." --- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

I keep fearing.


Ribena please.


Mood :  t i r e d -