That's what I felt at least as I had the urge to write here. I rarely come here nowadays. I think I can no longer recognize the young child who wrote here, but afterall the child lives in me till these days. Especially on the day where everything and nothing in particular makes me sad just like tonight, the child too, cries harder and tugs repeatedly at my heartstrings as if questioning me again and again on why did I grew up to be like this.

I think children are wonderful creatures. Similar to animals, they are very curious and can be affectionate especially when their eyes sparkles with curiosity towards you. They are honest and crave love in the most sincere way ever, at least for me. Maybe I'm good with them because I resonate with  them. My inner child has always tries to break through my embrace. She never grows up, she's almost always angry, and sad. Mostly scared I think. Sometimes I thought my inner child has left home forever to let me be, but on some of the most raging, depressive days engulfing me, I realized she was just taking a walk at the back of the park, stomping my heart with uncontrollable sadness everywhere and scratches my brain so hard that I can't stop hating myself with the words she throws around carelessly. 

My inner child has dominated my feelings even at 28, so how can I not be afraid of children? Of hurting children intentionally or unintentionally and lets it linger in their brain, basically forever. 

My inner child bleeds easily, from wounds to scars, from wounds to scab. Again and again, new wounds appear as the old wound just can't seem to recover. My inner child is demanding and clingy. She clings to every single hope she can find, swinging hard as if her life depends on it. My inner child is strong, yet so fragile and helpless. 

I rarely mentioned this to people, but the biggest reason I do not want to have a child from my own uterus, is just really I'm afraid they will turn out like me. The fucked up, sad little me. Ever since I read articles on how depression can be genetically passed on to the child, I swear never ever. Haha I know some people may think I'm dramatic to decide this and I will probably change my mind once I get married, yadda yadda but I just think neurotypical people won't get this. The fear of being sick inside, the fear of being afraid of your own brain, the fear of crossing the boundaries. This is what the mind disease did to you. I know I have never taken any extreme measures (thankfully lol) and I look and "behave" normal, but it's just a battle that I don't think anyone deserve to experience.

I know what I just said sounds so bleak and cynical, but I can't help myself, this is just how the world works. 

Oh ya, I know this might shock you younger Tasha, but you're actually taking your drivers license again! And I feel you're much more closer to it than before! I know it has been 10 years since then, since we enrolled in driving school after high school and immediately got traumatised while driving on the road as your car's engine shuts down suddenly while a big ass truck honking you from behind and your teacher not doing anything to help but just yell louder instead and that was the final straw for you to completely abandon the license even when you have completed all the classes and your parents paid for the fee already. We still haven't got it yet, but I will try hard to make you proud and feel accomplished okay? And we won't stop trying to be the best version of ourself by being brave and continuing to try new things, to try and try again no matter how many times, to not be afraid and intimidated of the world, to be just you without hiding.

As always, I love you and I appreciate you and I'm so proud of all your scars and struggles, and your glory and journey.