Oh well, this is awkward.

It's already November now, wow. I keep wanting to write here, but I didn't allow myself until I had my first therapy. I punished myself through that avoidance, weird right? I started the first session on 9th October, whelps, think I need to mark that. The first day of receiving help!

So what had happened since then? A hell lot. My birthday passed, Henry's birthday passed too of course, and most recently, I'm back to office physically after almost 2 years. Say whaaaaat?

Did my sadness magically disappears now after starting therapy? Nah, hell no of course. I'm still in that waves of ups and downs, albeit, I'm at least swimming a bit better now, not fully drowned I guess. I have accepted it but I can feel it's still a long road to recover. Would I ever recover? I don't have the answers too.

There's a lot of thing my therapist told me, but of course some of the things she told me such as how she thinks I have undiagnosed high-functioning depression is some of the most memorable moments for me. So there's a name for what I'm going through, that's what I felt. Ah, it's not a joke anymore, I really have depression, I'm not being dramatic all this while, I really have it. Now, it makes sense. Those are the thousand things running on my mind then. 

Maybe I have romanticized therapy in my head a lot previously. I thought I would feel instantly better when I start, that I would feel changes rushing in as much as how hard it takes to bring myself to attend the session. Like the therapist could give me some magic pills and makes the sadness disappear in a gulp.

I felt scared too when I talked with my therapist. The first time I went she said I should see psychiatrist to get anti-depressants for my low-level of serotonin. I was shocked, it's like I know I'm broken but not THIS broken? You get me? I never judge people who needs anti-depressant to live but why do I judge myself so hard from that one advice? I don't know either. 

Living stills feels like a personal hell to me, I never know if it will ever be comfortable enough for me to adapt in. 

I'm tired, I need to rest.