Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

Depressed and stressed. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. Clutter of emotions. I think this is the worst phase I have ever experienced. I am too tired. Too worn out to fight anymore. Everytime I wake up, I loathe to function properly.

I am my own problem. Of friendships and lies. Of homesickness and isolated. Of money and ambition. I am stuck in this paradox of problems until it doesn't make sense anymore. Stress breaks me, leaving me vulnerable to every little things. Often I felt pricks, but other time I felt a deep tug.

And eventually,

I become a slave to myself. I live to people's expectation of me. For me to smile, to engage in mindless conversations, to participate in life. How could I do that when I'm busy fighting my own monster in my head?

Of course, there are happy days. When all you want to do is to laugh and be happy just for the sake of it. But then, depression hits twice harder after that making me unable to breath.

I lost my naivety to the world. I become cynical to everything. And I hate myself for it. To not be able to think "half full" glass anymore. I miss my innocence that everything will be okay in the end. I think I lost that spark in my eyes along the way of this journey becoming an adult. The optimism, the foolish me, gets buried in this false pretence of maturity. I loathe it. I loathe every single bit of it.

This downward spiral of emotions kills me. I wish I was stronger to face this. Everyday, I pray to be given enough strength to face life without breaking down. To be able to breathe this air without complaints nor grunts.

Tronoh, truly my kind of heaven and hell.