Bismillahirrahamnirrahim,

The thing about emotion is it can varies in a flicker of time. One time you will be feeling high and suffocated from all of the emotion and at other time you will find yourself emotionless and lifeless.

One thing lead to another. This to that. Far to near. It affected me.

I am confused. Truly. With my own emotion. I can't fathom the intensity of emotion I feel at times. How I could feel on top of the world in the morning and be a wreck ball of failure on the night. The complexity is simply overwhelming and atrocious for me to accept.

Emotion is a gift, yet a disaster.

It could slowly murder you when it engulfs you in self-destruction. The whispers, the constant reminder that you are merely living and dying. Blocking it is not an option. Hiding it requires skill. Plastering an insincere smile was easy, but the insecurities that people might know was not.

I am afraid it will burst.

And when it burst, nothing could be undone. I will be a mess. Scattered and befuddled. Powerless even. Absolute darkness. Clueless and heartless. What should I do then?

What I do now will affect tomorrow. Tomorrow will affects next month. Next month affects next year. And the list go on. These few months will affect my whole life. How could that make any sense? What if I fall today, can't I rise tomorrow? Or the day after that? Today is today. Tomorrow is tomorrow. No?

Ah, the pain. Who could dismiss that? The more I grow up, the more I become attached to people. The pain a human could cause to another human is simply unbelievable. When it gets too intense, I felt my heart tugs at the slightest crack, challenging even to broke out. The monster hidden in it. Or was it a beauty?

I have a friend. The tears she shed always break my heart. I told myself, I need to comfort her. I need to give her strength. I need to. But, at times I felt as helpless as her. And all I could give her was a bad joke and a hug and an ear to listen. I am sure that friend knows herself. Because I know her.

I am only seventeen years old. Screw that, I am sixteen years old and eight months.

But, how could I be so tired? Tired of the world. Tired of human. Tired of heartache. Tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired to face the world. Tired to be judged. Tired looking at perfection. Tired trying to be a perfection. My heart is exhausted, my mind wore out, and I shut off.  I am tired of being tired.

Crying was never the answer. And will never be. Crying for a crybaby. Crying exhaust you. But, that what I constantly does. The tears was a simple reminder of how things are right now.

I am a train wreck of emotions.

Sad. Lonely. Love. Passion. Success. Ambitious. Acceptance. Wants. Strong. Pretending. Affection. Adore. Warm. Fuzzy. Hugable. Pain. Rejection. Revenge. Evil. Sinned. Bad. Worst. Kill. Killed. Killing. Buried. Shrivelled. Disoriented. Trembled.

I do not know which one is mine. Truly.

Mood :  r u s h e d -